Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
