hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
