I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
