Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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