oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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