We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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