I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
