3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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