everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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