dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
