just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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