I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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