I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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