Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i came on her dog
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
