So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
