We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
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