seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
