And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
