Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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