peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize