I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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