the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
