I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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