her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
