Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
