this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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