1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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