Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
