If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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