i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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