no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize