I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
