Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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