can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
