Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
