just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
