"it" just moved
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
