I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
