I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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