I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize