my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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