My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
