seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
