I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
