do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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