I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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