im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
