I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize