apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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