Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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