Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
