My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
