I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Randomize
