Can i not drive my cunt home
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
