I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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