Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize