Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
