I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
